I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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