Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
