Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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