see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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