New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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