I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
