last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
