I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
