why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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