Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I smell like Dick and happiness
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