All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
