Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just found puke in my bra..
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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