I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Vodka?
Forever.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
