you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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