Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
