I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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