frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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