What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
