That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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