Betty ford says i'm here all night
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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