im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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