The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
