Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Let's get the cat blown out
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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