went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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