I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
