if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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