Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
