alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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