Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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