fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
