can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
