the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
