My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I am one with the molecules
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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