no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
That accounts for only three of the penises
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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