It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
