oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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