Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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