Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
