Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
