note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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