Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize