I am puke
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
not ubering you a puppy
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
