Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
