Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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