I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
bring money and cleavage
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
