I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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