you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize