my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
