Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
where are my pants?
in the oven.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
