Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
