Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize