so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
