and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
