this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
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