Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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