there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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