Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
