note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
