remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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