You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Randomize
