Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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