mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just blew my weed a kiss
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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