i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
