I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
