woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
